random jokes! (click on this dumbo)

[Succubus]

A conversation between a boy name Aloy and his uncle, PCK

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger man !

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?

PCK : Of course woman! When you dig your nose, your nose
feel better than your finger, right ?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the road, then someone come over
and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don’t play play ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her
menses?

PCK : Oi !! If your nose bleeding, do you still go and dig?? Crazy
ah ! Use your blain...

Aloy : Why is it most men don’t like wearing condoms when they are
making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a
glove on your finger or not ? Not the same high feeling, man.
Correct or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Boy, use your brain, use your brain … you
go and dig your nose in front of other people or not?? Stupid
lah!!

[Succubus]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Succubus]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The director said "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath tub."

The visitor said "Oh, i see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's the biggest."

The director said "No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window???"

[Succubus]

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"

[Succubus]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have
my dog back?"

[Succubus]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
_____________________________________________________________
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Succubus]

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them

[Succubus]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me
now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Succubus]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[Succubus]

Little Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Margaret didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Margaret and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.